An American Tale!
So here we are, the trip has all but finished and myself and Vince are heading back to Blighty for a well earned rest from the wacky world of adventure that is South America. But wait just a minute our tales unfortunately do not end at this point, we may have left the continent of our destination, but unfortunately, inevitably, there has to be one last sting in the tail.

The flight from Santiago to Dallas proves to be uneventful, if not bloody long, not so much due to the duration, but more due to the duration I have to spend in the company of the most negative man I've ever met, ahh for the wonder of airline headphones!

We arrive in Dallas airport, A spralling mass of everything that is airport. We soon come to the conclusion that it may well be impossible to spend the best part of 12 hours stuck in the one place. Unfortunately we haven't decided to take out insurance for our stay in America, so we have a dilema, do we

a: stay in airport and potentially die of boredom

or

b: leave the airport with no insurance and risk the chance of injury or crime


It wasn't a hard choice, after a small conversation with the flight attendent(I'm pleased to say in English) we decided to get out of there, at least for a few hours and head for, wait for it, the nearest mall. If you know myself or Vince you wouldn't automatically picture us running off to a shopping centre but given that the airport conveniently has been placed at a $50 taxi ride from the town we decide this was our only option.

Off we trot, the taxi driver was friendly enough, asking where we had come from, where we were going, pointing out some shops where we could buy some good BEAR TRAPS, yep welcome to Texas, the place where they eat big, wear big hats ans as it turns out kill big.
He drops us off at the front of this massive circular building where apparently the local population come to buy their essential retail goods, unfortunately for us it's closed, the home of retail and the mall is closed at 10.00 in the morning, something not quite right about that. We enter to be greeted by a synthasized voice:

"welcome to the mall, we hope you have a nice day Yaaaallll"

We spend the best part of the next hour just walking around this giant expanse, corridors apon corridors of the same shops, with there giant neon slogans and their consistent piping of music to vidoes displaying Shinia Twain on giant Screens. The hour was easily spent just lookin at the many local texans who had decide that the best exercise and escape from their lives they could get was to travel the 5 miles or so to the local closed mall and attach pitiful weight to their wrists and ankles and walk powerfully for 45 minutes in complete silence and 60% light.

Suffice to say it got a little too much for me and Vince and I decided to take a few picture of the place. One of some giant flotation tanks, where people were encouraged to come to the mall and relax in seclusion while Saturday shoppers watch from the portholes, and another of a treadmill, advertising slogan:

"go on experience the adventure of the outdoors"

As I say it was a little to much for me

We then walk round for another 15 minutes, when out of the blue a large lady in a cops uniform springs up.
"excuse me gentleman, can I have a word"
"sure, how can I help"
break in transmition for external walky talky call:-- I've aprehended the suspects outside sector g---habitation 105

"we've had you on survelance for the last hour, and I've noticed that you've been taking still photography of the mall"
"Yeh, I've never been in a mall before, I just thought I'd take a couple of pictures to mark the occasion!"

"Are you aware that taking still photgraphy of retail outlets is prohibited in this state and the whole of the US, as it is a breach of International copyright laws"

"I'm sorry I wasn't aware of that, but I can see your point, Is taking a picture of you against international copyright laws?"

"Sir, if I find you taking picture again, you will be arrested!"

Well blow me back, I'm not the kind of guy who is easily shaken, but I thought she was taking the piss!

We left the mall soon after that to find that every move we made was being tracked by a police wagon, who was making a very poor job of hiding the fact.

We got a little spooked by this and decided the best option overall was to leave the mall and head our way back to the safety of the airport for 10 hours of boredom, and to reflect on our moment of adventure.

Lessons learned from this experience, never underestimate the knowledge of insurance companies, never trust myself or Vince in foreign countries, never question the seriousness of Americans, and always question how the hell our mate Lorrie ever managed to survive in Texas.










- posted by Anonymous @ 11:04 AM