Everything you ever wanted for Christmas!
I don`t know about you guys, but I still hold out some hope every year or receiving something special for Christmas. I know I`m past the age where Santa might bring me a wonderful delight from the toy store, but there`s always that lingering thought in the mind that somehow I may receive something which is going to help me along in life, it`s that same feeling you get on your Birthday when you still make a wish when blowing out the candels.
Well this Christmas was no different for me. It couldn`t really have started much better, away on a holiday in a foreign continent, sitting in a luxury hotel on the edge of a Salt flat, gorging on a turkey buffet, sharing jokes and drink with a wonderful group of people who in their misguidedness had decided to buy me gifts, what better way to usher another end to a year.

Well fast forward another 24 hours, gone is the happy smiley faces, gone is the champagne in my glass, gone is the nice secret Santa gift from my hands(nail varnish, they know me so well), instead I somehow manage to receive the ultimate Christmas present, and if I gage it against all other Christmas presents I`ve ever received it would have to be the ultimate in gifts taking into account the evoking of emotion in either positive or negative direction.


The day I lost my self respect!

Have you ever thought to yourself, probably when looking at a begger on the street with a pool of piss quickly forming around his feet, if I ever reach a point where I loose my self respect then thats probably the day I call an end to it. Yep I`ll be ok, I can deal with any situation I may face as long as I can still pass myself off in respectable company without getting to a point where I let go of the faculties which makes us semi respectable to other human beings.

It`s Christmas, Christmas for Christ`s sake, only good things happen at Christmas, people come together, share a wonderful feeling of humanity, put those niggling gripes behind them and celebrate in the joy of togetherness.

In a similiar vain, myself and Vince for the first time on the trip have been moved away from our two sharing room basis and into a four bedroom room, so we can enjoy the company of others on a festive occasion. It`s great, two other guys who we enjoy the company of, two other guys who we respect and value the opinion of, two other guys in their own unknown misfortune have to endure the the most private and soul destroying moment of my life. I wouldn`t have minded so much, had it just been Vince, but to celebrate Christmas in the worst of circumstances with two relative strangers who you have to spend the best part of a month with day in and day out, not the place to have the moment you lost your last thread of dignity.

It`s Christmas day, we`ve put the festivities of the previous evening behind us, and we`re spending the day on the salt flats. What a wonderful way to spend Christmas, we can`t have real snow so we have one of the most wonderful natural sights I`ve ever seen, miles apon miles of salt plain, surrounded by mountains with pools of crystal blue lakes. If I was a romantic at heart I would have penned something. Unfortunately with my hangover clearing, I realised all was not well with Gary, no something was starting to shout out "problem down here". My stomach had started to make odd, very odd noises, and the quick reaction of shoving a couple of immodium down my throat was proving to provide little change in my situation. You know the one, you`ve got to find that most comfortable position, and sit really still or you know there is going to be a mess somewhere you don`t want to have one in a confined 4x4.

I have a principle, it a times isn`t the best of principles, but it is one I stick to,

I WILL NOT SHIT ON A NON TOILET DEVICE!

Unfortunately, stuck in the middle of nowhere with no banos publico around I could feel my pants getting squelchy as I spoke. Luckily sometime ago I ended another one of my principles

I WILL NOT SHIT IN A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE!

It`s not until you are in a desperate situation or in a large group of people only using public conveniences, that you come to realise that this just isn`t practical and when thinking about it, is just a little stupid.

I`ll tell you that public toilet at the cactus stop got a fair going over, and I don`t care who knows it!


The worse is still to come!


Roll on the evening, Christmas evening, the group are back at the hotel, enjoying more booze, another slap up meal, while I`m enjoying the comfort of my bed with intermitent trips to the toilet. The situation is not ideal, but with others away, you don`t mind the problem as much.

I awake at 1.00am or so, to hear rummbling from the reception area, the power has decided to at this moment go out and the hotel is in darkness, no problem everyone finds their torches and continue with the party. I on the other hand can`t find my torch and am now faced with the prospect of an evening of darkness, with the problem of a runny bum and the ever growing feeling of nausia. I manage another 4 toilet visits in the darkness before my sleeping companions arrive back in the room.
I`m quiet, not to arrowse suspision of my predicament, they settle in bed, and I run to the toilet, their gentle slumber is spoiled by the very loud, very loud sound of gurgling and slurping from the toilet, a sound which will become so familiar to them during the night.
A few more hours pass and a few more toilet visits pass, when possible the most traumatic experience of my life occurs,

It`s around 3.00am, I wake with the desperate need to empty my never drying bowels, I futilely search for my torch, again no luck, I get up speedily, move quickly through the rucksacks sprawled over the floor, my pace ever increasing. I can now see the toilet through the gloom, when "boom" I walk straight into a very large concrete support ever so kindly postioned slap bang in the middle of the room. I`ve just walked head first into a very solid object at running pace and I didn`t care, the toilet was more important, that`s a sign of my desperation. I made the toilet, in the process waking Vince and my two new room mates, to treat them to the slurp show in the dark. Just when I thought things can only get better, then wooooooweee, I feel the need to vomit! I`m sat on the toilet, my bum running a waterfall and I need to vomit, there is no sink in reaching distance, there is no shower in reachind distance, you make the choice:

Do you Vomit on yourself and all over the dark bathroom

or do you shit over yourself and the dark bathroom

I had to make that choice,

I vomitted into my hands and scooped it over the floor, while water dashing the toilet, and crying, never will I forget this Christmas, It`s bloody Christmas for Christ`s sake!






- posted by Anonymous @ 1:54 PM